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My thanks to those who have sent me jokes over the years. By putting them here I hope more people will be able to enjoy them:-) Thank you all.
A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum can I take the dog for a walk round the block?'
Her mum replies 'No because she is on heat.
'What does that mean?' asks the little girl.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage'.
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk round the block?'.
'I asked mum but she said the dog was on the heat and to come ask you'.
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol and scrubbed the dogs backside with it to disguise the scent and said 'OK, you can go now but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block'.
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked 'Where's Lulu?'
You'll love this!!!!!!!!..............
The little girl said 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.
I'm voting for the Icelandic Volcano Party. It's done more to stop immigration in the last 5 days than labour has done in the last 10 years!
1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to
hold the vegetables while you slice.
2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
Daily thought: some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
1. Teaching Maths in 1970 A logger sells a truckload of timber for
£100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
2. Teaching Maths In 1980 A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 80% of the price. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Maths In 1990 A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80. How much was his profit?
4. Teaching Maths In 2000 A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Maths In 2005 A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.
6. Teaching Maths In 2009 A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving barbecue of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester, upon release, is warned that failure to clear the fly -tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor. Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?
7. Teaching Maths In 2010 A logger doesn't sell a lorry load of timber because he can't get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses. The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s, it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it. Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the government's expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist, and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master. The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances. You do the maths.
8. Teaching Maths In 2017 The Muslims have taken over so no more logging!
Customer: "I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?"Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre."Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours."
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?
"Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.
Caller: "On page 1,section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall."
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?
Operator: " Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ): "If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please."
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off."
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ."
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Tech Support:"OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Tech Support:"OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer:"Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
Tech Support: "Okay. In the bottom left hand side of the screen,can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?."
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause." Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!)
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; how may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "It's blank. It won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the powercord goes into it. Can you see that?"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not?"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
Operator: "Tell them you're too ***** stupid to own a computer!!!!!"
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a
Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH.. He says to himself: "This
driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly.....twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."
A young gay man is confronted by some of his friends, and told that he may be drinking a bit too much and it seems like it may be getting in the way of his work and effecting some of his relationships. His friends are concerned that he may need to seek help. He took their feelings to heart and joined AA.
At the end of a year of dedication he is clean and sober and gets his "pin" showing his progress of one year being clean and sober.
He then thinks, he has wanted to stop smoking for awhile, could he use the same principles he used in AA to stop smoking? He sets himself on the path and does so.
By the second year when he gets his pin from AA, he is tobacco-free, and has a small dinner party to celebrate the fact. When he gets together with his friends, they are amazed at what good health he is in, and amazed that he is not only alcohol-free but also tobacco-free. They applaud his dedication.
About a year later, he has another dinner party and announces to all his friends that he is "no longer gay."
His straight friends -- as well as his gay friends -- are totally amazed at this.
"Did you do the same things you did to stop drinking and smoking?" many asked.
"Was it just a choice of lifestyle change?" others asked.
"Was it some type of religious revelation?" he was even asked.
"No, nothing so drastic," he replied. "It's just when I quit smoking, I found everything tasted different."
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000..
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.'
The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
A man and his wife were having an argument about who Should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'
The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and You should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament And showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS'
Men are not equipped for this kind of contest. God may have created man before woman, But there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.
"My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.
What's your name?" she asked.
He said, "B. J. Titsengolf."
Most people think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.'
One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk. Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
This works with grandchildren, nieces, and nephews as well.
I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress and I've been married for over 20 years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to surprise our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days and exchange notes.
Here's how it all went :
My engaged friend: The other night when my fiance came over, I was wearing a black leather bodice, black stockings, tall stilettos and a black a leather mask. He saw me and said, 'You're the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment).
As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S . or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.).
We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!
The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster chuck. Wherever I go, chuck goes."
"I'm sorry sir ," said the agent , "We can't allow animals in the theater"
The old farmer went aorund the corner, stuffed the chuck down his overalls then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater.
He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?", said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?", asked Marge.
"He undid his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it", said Marge. "At our age we've seen it all"
"I thought so too", said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of???)
(Did our government pay for this research??)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
Your very first Easter card -
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome"to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
New Zealand has also raised its security levels from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath). New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend," and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Reported in the Newcastle Evening Chronicle recently :
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless. And so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!
A lady died this past September, and MBNA bank billed her for October and November for their annual service charges on her credit card, and Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.
A family member placed a call to the MBNA Bank:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . The part about her Being dead?'
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.' Supervisor gets on the phone :
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member:'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
'No, I'm her grandson'
(Lawyer info given)
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
( fax number is given )
After they get the fax:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing Her. I don't think she will care.'
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'
'Would you like her new billing address?'
'That might help.'
' Heaton Cemetery, Heaton Road , Newcastle upon Tyne Plot 1049.'
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
'Well, what the Fuck do you do with dead people on your planet?'
MBNA were not available for comment when a reporter from the Newcastle Evening Chronicle rang.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too. Let's have a round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second guy.
The first guy says, "And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I ! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second guy.
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world, so did I! Let's have a drink to McCleary Street. And to what school would have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
"And so did I! Let's have another drink to old St. Mary's.'"
The first guy gets really excited, and says, " Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my ownself. Another round!"
About that time, one of the regulars comes in and sits down at the bar and orders a beer. "What's been going on?" he asks the barman.
The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters, "Nothing much, but it's going to be a long night tonight, the O'Malley twins are drunk again."
SCIENCE BY MOM
Nominated as the world's best short joke of the year.
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
I know most of you are dog lovers and will help.
Our neighbour, Marie, has lost her Chihuahua puppy and is desperate to find him. Yesterday, she was sitting on the couch watching TV and realized he was gone. She called out to him and he never responded.
She then noticed the back door was open. She has been putting up signs everywhere in an effort to have him returned.
Thanks for your help.
1. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
5. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
6. Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
7. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8. Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an apointment.
9. Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
10. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
11. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
12. Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
15. Swat at flies that don't exist.
16. Tell people that you can see their aura.
17. Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.
18. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
19. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
20. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
21. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
22. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
23. Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".
26. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"
27. Put police tape in front of the door before entering.
28. Fart loudly when there are only two of you in the elevator. Argue vehemently that it wasn't you.
29. Hold an auction.
30. Do the "potty dance" all the way to the elevator door. Upon arrival, sigh and look greatly relieved.
31. Ask every passenger coming if you can borrow a tampon. Especially effective if victim is male. Even more effective if you yourself are male.
32. Throw a rave.
33. Place potted plants and water fountains at strategic locations in the lift. When people ask what you are doing, tell them you "won't ride an elevator that's not fung shwei."
34. Greet everyone getting on with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral".
35. Hum the first six notes of "It's a small world" over and over again.
36. When you brush past someone, whisper "Was it good for you too?"
37. Lean over to another rider and whisper 'Noogie patrol coming!'
38. Have a heated debate with yourself.
39. Bring a melon onto the elevator. Try to sell it to the other passengers.
40. Drum on every available surface.
41. Write a big X on the elevator floor, and hand out "pirate" maps to everyone as they enter.
42. Give psychotherapy to the other passengers.
43. Greet everyone coming on as if they were your best friend. Use the same name for all of them.
44. Say "ring ring" then pull a banana out of your pocket and start talking into it.
45. Propose to the other passengers.
46. Challenge people to duels.
47. Sell girl scout cookies.
48. Bring a large pile of ice. Build an igloo on the floor.
49. Come on looking really scared, and say to another passenger..."I'm kinda nervous...this is my first time flying..."
50. Any time someone enters the doors, recoil in horror.
51. Stick your tongue out. Act like it's a cigarette, and ask someone for a light.
52. Pitch a tent on the floor, and "camp out"
53. Say - "I touch myself" and then say "Urgh, What is wrong with you, that is disgusting" to someone in there
54. Stand inside the lift looking all official, and when someone enters, say "good morning Immigration" , "can I see your passport please"
55. Push buttons manically and shout "What’s the codes to open the doors?"
56. Stare at the person next to you until they notice then as soon as they look at you look away and mutter into your coat, suspect has got visual...
This photographer must have used a very powerful lens to be able to photograph this scene. Check out the pictures - one by one.
Yep, I was straining my eyeballs trying to see through the back window too!
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.
'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.
It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.
'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'
'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless Tit?'
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?
Eat it all in 20 mins with no drink to wash it down with and you get it free.
It's 10 eggs,
5 black puddings,
That's what you call a breakfast
SING A SONG OF PARLIAMENT, POCKETS FULL OF CASH.
FRAUDULENTLY CLAIMING, AND ADDING TO THEIR STASH.
WITH THEIR PLOY DISCOVERED, THEY SAID THEY'LL GIVE IT BACK.
IF YOU OR I HAD DONE THE SAME, WE'D PROMPTLY GET THE SACK.
SING A SONG OF FREEBIES, SNOUTS ALL IN THE TROUGH.
GIVING BACK THEIR ILL-GOT GAINS, IS JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
SPONGING OFF OUR EARNINGS, WITH A LIKELY TALE.
IF WORKING FOLK HAD DONE THE SAME, THEY'D SOON END UP IN JAIL.
SING A SONG OF FRAUDSTERS, COUNTING OUT THEIR MONEY.
THEY SMILE AND LOOK QUITE UNASHAMED, AS THOUGH THEY THINK IT'S FUNNY.
SITTNG IN A SECRET PLACE, COUNTING OUT THEIR DOSH.
ON PLUGS FOR BATHS AND CLEANING MOATS, FOR CRISPS AND ORANGE SQUASH.
SING A SONG OF MP's, WHO TOOK US FOR A RIDE.
IT'S UP TO US AT ELECTION TIME, THEIR FUTURE TO DECIDE.
IT'S GONE TOO FAR TO BRING BACK TRUST, OF ANYONE IN POWER.
TO MOST OF US THEY'LL ALWAYS BE A REALLY GREAT BIG SHOWER. (AND A BUNCH OF CROOKS).
Speed controls being used in Eastern Canada
How's this for excellent speed control?
I don't know about you, but this would certainly slow me down !
People slow down and try to "straddle" the hole ...
This is actually a speed control device that is in use.
It is much cheaper than speed cameras.
Pretty clever - especially when moved around each day. Isn't art wonderful?
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work...
The arsehole is usually in charge
Anyone spring to mind?
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green ..'
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready.'
The manager said, 'Go ahead.'
Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a call center.
No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.
One needs to read slowly and understand the longing for someone you missed dearly...
Something touching and sweet to begin the year....
A California Love Story
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex ... She spent the next Half-hour just rubbing his testicles ...
Something she really loved to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked,
"Why do you love doing that so much?"
"Because ...", she Replied .... "I Really Miss Mine"
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other
Sincerely, Tiger Woods
This is a picture of a man with only seconds left to live (frightening!)
Now I've seen everything .... Can you believe it?
Breast Implants For Your Tattoo?!
Breast Implants For Your Tattoo?!
'Breast Implants For Your Tattoo!!!'
And this guy can vote???
*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
They walk among us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
and has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff.....'
They Walk Among Us!
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'.
They Walk Among Us!
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman
with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip
out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear
remain the same distance apart no
matter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and
went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)
They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and
the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.
They Walk Among Us!
A very good example of the kind of representation we have in Congress, true story:
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy
happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and
asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental
in somebody who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone
with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
'Well, you might ask, Captain Cook made three trips around the world and
one of them. Which one?'
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't
have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway!
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'
If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Celery? Never heard of it!
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away!
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Leftover wine?????????? HELLO!!!!!!!
Lastly, if you don't forward this to 1 of your friends within the next 5 minutes your belly button will unscrew and your butt will fall off.
Really.... It's true! Have I ever lied to you?........
I hope you enjoyed these:-)
Fan of Garfield? Here are a few good ones:-
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